An Open Letter to Ms. Salticoidea

Dear Ms. Salticoidea,

Recently you and several members of your family came to view my apartment. Perhaps you saw the moving signs and decided to have a look. I want to thank you for your interest. It is truly gratifying to know that the small room I've inhabited for the last year will not be lonely once I've gone.

I wish to correct, however, a minor misunderstanding. I have not yet vacated my home, and am, in fact, still living in it for the next four days. Your enthusiasm is admirable, and I sympathize with your desire to get all the trials of moving over and done with in a timely fashion. I regretfully insist, nevertheless, that you wait to move in with all of your many children until after I have left.

It is true that this apartment, humble though it is, would make a wonderful place to raise a family such as yours. There is a wide variety of cuisine that is likely to appeal to your peculiar tastes quite locally available. The range of edibles for a family like yours is truly impressive, and most of it is so fresh that it is still moving. Your impulse to take advantage of the veritable smorgasboard of ants, mites, and moths abundant in the area is understandable. I assure you, in four days, you can avail yourself of them all.

Nonetheless, in the meantime, I humbly beg you to cultivate patience and refrain from allowing your charming children to run wild in my bathroom.

In highest gratitude for your understanding and forbearance, I am, Madam, sincerely yours.